Beginning of every month , on a random visit to a nearby grocery store , I find I cannot resist picking up a copy of Frozen Thoughts-sitting there so appealingly on the billing desk , with a thought provoking message on its cover page , its shiny smooth pages filled with a collection of brilliant articles!
And as i was browsing through ..one particular article caught my attention ..
The Cinderella Syndrome by Lata Krishnaswamy
The article talks about the author coming across a phrase - "Cinderella Complex" or "Cinderella Syndrome" .
Here is an excerpt from the article -
I havent come across this phrase earlier , but came to realise , this is one phrase every woman should be aware of . The more i read about it , the more i could mirror it with so many women around me and at some points with myself too .
When we hear the word 'Cinderella' what comes to mind first , is that fragile girl , with lack of attention , a rags to riches story , and the sudden transformation that she undergoes when the clock strikes twelve, and the ideal fairy tale of a Prince Charming saving the poor girl to live happily ever after .
The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence , as an unconsious desire to be taken care of by others.According to Collete , a psychotherapist, the psychological need to avoid independence or rather the 'wish to be saved' seems to be the most important issue facing many women today.
Somehow , as a product of several centuries of social conditioning , women have been brought up to depend on a man - be it her father , brother , husband , or son , and one has been programmed to feel frightened without one.
In reality , for years , women have not been trained to be independent at all,but have been encouraged to follow its exact opposite - dependency. Up to a point , dependency needs are quite normal , for men as well as for women .But this dependency has reached a point , a level that is almost unhealthy. Thus many women are stuck in what is called the Cinderella Complex .
Like the fairy tale a woman beleives that she will be rescued by a Prince , who will recognise her worth , and subsequently lead her to completely abandon her own passions and ambitions, to fall in place neatly into his scheme of life, which she believes is somehow of a better quality than one she could possible think of , by herself.
Synonymous with Cinderella , a woman often becomes a willing martyr by putting herself last , in the vain hope that her patient sacrifice for others , whose interests she has magnanimously prioritised before her own will , be recognised. But , in reality , most often her efforts go unnoticed. Psychologists say , that this habit of suppressing onself with the belief that she will someday be acknowledged and rewarded has a deeply corrosive effect on a woman's psyche , resulting in her not getting respect from within or without. We all need constructive feedback , but the Cinderella syndrome renders a woman in need of a constant flow of recognition form outside world for keeping her self image intact .
Its actually a natural component of any personality - man or wman - but in most cases, this little girl undermines the ability of an adult woman to assert herself and therby suppress the valuable qualities of decisiveness and her responsibility towards her life. Most women probably fear that if they develop themselves fully they will end up alone , unloved and uncared for. We weretaught to believe that as women we cannot stand alone , that we are too fragile , and need protection. She hides behind the facade of vulnerable feminity and therby limits her own potential in a number of ways .
Now , for some reason , I found myself deeply antagonised by many of the views the author has expressed in this article.
No doubt, this psychological phenomenon - The Cinderella Syndrome is something which is quite real , am sure , every woman at some point or other in her life has had this mindset , atleast as a fleeting thought , a temporary phase , or maybe a huge philosophy her mind genuinely believes in - whatever be the case . And by every woman, i mean - it could be a woman in any of these roles - a young impressionable woman fresh out of college , a woman finding out who or what she is all about as an individual - one who has experienced quite a few rough years in the big bad world , one on the threshold of a new phase of life ,why , even one who has weathered decades of nurturing and raising her own family!
The author's belief is that a Cinderella phenomenon has taken shape in a woman's mind ,because ,she has grown accustomed to centuries of being protected , of being dependent on a man , and the key to break out of this shackle is by finding your own independence and breaking old patterns of self doubt .
So what exactly , did i find antgonistic , about the author's article ? It surely is a progressive thought ..Maybe ..right at the start of the article , when i was able to understand the author's understanding of the WHYS of this Cinderella phenomenon, I found i just could not relate to it on many levels.
For starters , i think , the author's view of today's woman's thought process , has an archaic quality , I wouldnt be able to call it outdated ( that would be a exaggeration),I would say it is a rapidly depleting persoanlity type among women of today's times.
I can quite confidently say , a vast majority of today's women , irrespective of their social/ financial/educational/cultural makeup , have quite painstakingly evolved to find pride in enjoying their own individuality and independence . Or , instead of evolved , I'd rather say still continuing to evolve .. this transformation , this breaking free from ancient thought/behavioural patterns has kick started in a major way a long long time back , and continues , gaining strength ,maybe not in giant leaps , but definitely atleast in small sure definite steps..
And , yes, Iam realistic , today's woman is neither the scream-and-faint Mills and boons heroine type , nor am I making her out to be a Superwoman-Spiderwoman-Batwoman combination !Because ,somewhere inside , no matter how independent , how confident and how able she has made herself , to deal with life's challenges , is that inherent instinctive need -to feel cherished , to feel cared for, to feel a sense of belonging ( and here i would stress on the fact that - it is a sense of belonging - not a disabling need to be owned or be possesed).
And as i was browsing through ..one particular article caught my attention ..
The Cinderella Syndrome by Lata Krishnaswamy
The article talks about the author coming across a phrase - "Cinderella Complex" or "Cinderella Syndrome" .
Here is an excerpt from the article -
I havent come across this phrase earlier , but came to realise , this is one phrase every woman should be aware of . The more i read about it , the more i could mirror it with so many women around me and at some points with myself too .
When we hear the word 'Cinderella' what comes to mind first , is that fragile girl , with lack of attention , a rags to riches story , and the sudden transformation that she undergoes when the clock strikes twelve, and the ideal fairy tale of a Prince Charming saving the poor girl to live happily ever after .
The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence , as an unconsious desire to be taken care of by others.According to Collete , a psychotherapist, the psychological need to avoid independence or rather the 'wish to be saved' seems to be the most important issue facing many women today.
Somehow , as a product of several centuries of social conditioning , women have been brought up to depend on a man - be it her father , brother , husband , or son , and one has been programmed to feel frightened without one.
In reality , for years , women have not been trained to be independent at all,but have been encouraged to follow its exact opposite - dependency. Up to a point , dependency needs are quite normal , for men as well as for women .But this dependency has reached a point , a level that is almost unhealthy. Thus many women are stuck in what is called the Cinderella Complex .
Like the fairy tale a woman beleives that she will be rescued by a Prince , who will recognise her worth , and subsequently lead her to completely abandon her own passions and ambitions, to fall in place neatly into his scheme of life, which she believes is somehow of a better quality than one she could possible think of , by herself.
Synonymous with Cinderella , a woman often becomes a willing martyr by putting herself last , in the vain hope that her patient sacrifice for others , whose interests she has magnanimously prioritised before her own will , be recognised. But , in reality , most often her efforts go unnoticed. Psychologists say , that this habit of suppressing onself with the belief that she will someday be acknowledged and rewarded has a deeply corrosive effect on a woman's psyche , resulting in her not getting respect from within or without. We all need constructive feedback , but the Cinderella syndrome renders a woman in need of a constant flow of recognition form outside world for keeping her self image intact .
Its actually a natural component of any personality - man or wman - but in most cases, this little girl undermines the ability of an adult woman to assert herself and therby suppress the valuable qualities of decisiveness and her responsibility towards her life. Most women probably fear that if they develop themselves fully they will end up alone , unloved and uncared for. We weretaught to believe that as women we cannot stand alone , that we are too fragile , and need protection. She hides behind the facade of vulnerable feminity and therby limits her own potential in a number of ways .
Now , for some reason , I found myself deeply antagonised by many of the views the author has expressed in this article.
No doubt, this psychological phenomenon - The Cinderella Syndrome is something which is quite real , am sure , every woman at some point or other in her life has had this mindset , atleast as a fleeting thought , a temporary phase , or maybe a huge philosophy her mind genuinely believes in - whatever be the case . And by every woman, i mean - it could be a woman in any of these roles - a young impressionable woman fresh out of college , a woman finding out who or what she is all about as an individual - one who has experienced quite a few rough years in the big bad world , one on the threshold of a new phase of life ,why , even one who has weathered decades of nurturing and raising her own family!
The author's belief is that a Cinderella phenomenon has taken shape in a woman's mind ,because ,she has grown accustomed to centuries of being protected , of being dependent on a man , and the key to break out of this shackle is by finding your own independence and breaking old patterns of self doubt .
So what exactly , did i find antgonistic , about the author's article ? It surely is a progressive thought ..Maybe ..right at the start of the article , when i was able to understand the author's understanding of the WHYS of this Cinderella phenomenon, I found i just could not relate to it on many levels.
For starters , i think , the author's view of today's woman's thought process , has an archaic quality , I wouldnt be able to call it outdated ( that would be a exaggeration),I would say it is a rapidly depleting persoanlity type among women of today's times.
I can quite confidently say , a vast majority of today's women , irrespective of their social/ financial/educational/cultural makeup , have quite painstakingly evolved to find pride in enjoying their own individuality and independence . Or , instead of evolved , I'd rather say still continuing to evolve .. this transformation , this breaking free from ancient thought/behavioural patterns has kick started in a major way a long long time back , and continues , gaining strength ,maybe not in giant leaps , but definitely atleast in small sure definite steps..
And , yes, Iam realistic , today's woman is neither the scream-and-faint Mills and boons heroine type , nor am I making her out to be a Superwoman-Spiderwoman-Batwoman combination !Because ,somewhere inside , no matter how independent , how confident and how able she has made herself , to deal with life's challenges , is that inherent instinctive need -to feel cherished , to feel cared for, to feel a sense of belonging ( and here i would stress on the fact that - it is a sense of belonging - not a disabling need to be owned or be possesed).
And one thing which sorely jumped out at me , was , the independent the fight-your own battles-superwoman, is no less prone to succumbing to the Cinderella effect , than the stereotyped-romance novel heroine-swoon in a man's arms type of woman .
If one was dreaming of a Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet , living an Escapist's role ( the type of woman - the author describes) ,
the other (the type of woman who the author believes is the answer to banish the Cinderella syndrome) , is equally prone to yearning for a Prince charming , but with a major difference - The difference lies here :she has grown weary of having to brave every storm coming her way , brace herself from every hard knock life throws at her ,pick herself up from every fall she has borne , and go on with renewed strength and energy- Not because she doesnt want to do the hard work herself, nor because she is not capable of doing the hard work herself , nor because she wants to live an Escapist's easy- way- out way of life, but ,because ,at times ,she could do with a powerful tug to pick her up from a bad fall she takes ;at times ,she could do with a healing hand to tend to her bruised knees ;at times, she could do with a strong shoulder to lean on and cry the hurt away; at times ,she could do with a solid presence walking by her side which says - am here with you along the way!
And I strongly believe being independent , strong , able, clear headed and confident to make your own decisions , is absolutely the way to go , and absoluely the way to be , but , that doesnt mean ,we diminish the importance of- being able to cherish and be cherished , being able to care for and be cared for , being able to lend support and get support , being able to learn and grow with each other , walking hand in hand , a step at a time through life's interesting journeys!
************************************************
Small.. Not So Small after all ..
I
have read many a book, and heard many people talk about this but i
guess ,for some reason , this thought seemed very dominant and captured
my attention in a major way this last week and here I am ..spilling my
thoughts..
You might be wondering , something life changing or some major event happened last week, for me to think/ponder/bask in the glow of this thought in my head and blog about it - but no, the fact is , the last week was just another run of the mill , routine , boring ,maddening, crazy ,confusing week..
Well, that is , if you wouldnt term the event of stopping the services of your maid/cook/help as life changing !(Even though in some ways it does make you feel it is ..given the kind of disharmony the shift in schedules it causes)..
And , yes, even though i now say,the mentioned event being termed as a life changing event ,
is a gross over exaggeration/or overtly dominant expression of frayed emotions;
You might be wondering , something life changing or some major event happened last week, for me to think/ponder/bask in the glow of this thought in my head and blog about it - but no, the fact is , the last week was just another run of the mill , routine , boring ,maddening, crazy ,confusing week..
Well, that is , if you wouldnt term the event of stopping the services of your maid/cook/help as life changing !(Even though in some ways it does make you feel it is ..given the kind of disharmony the shift in schedules it causes)..
And , yes, even though i now say,the mentioned event being termed as a life changing event ,
is a gross over exaggeration/or overtly dominant expression of frayed emotions;
the
last one week , if someone had told me so ...I would have readily turned
into a man-munching monster , chewed your head off and stalked away ,
exasperated with a statement like that !;)
Between a groggy hit of the alarm snooze button at 5 am last Monday morning and a exhausting 10 pm last Friday evening , were 4 days of sheer frenzy ,highlighted by high-adrenaline-induced-craziness
Between a groggy hit of the alarm snooze button at 5 am last Monday morning and a exhausting 10 pm last Friday evening , were 4 days of sheer frenzy ,highlighted by high-adrenaline-induced-craziness
,sleep-starved- madness.
So the main highlights would be -To find yourself running at top speed , in a sincere effort to beat the hour hand of your clock , furiously chopping away at vegetables only to realise you have been cutting the wrong vegetables -ones which wont really help with your time targets, breakfast/lunch/dinner menu, and then remind yourself not to get disheartened and continue your attempt to race against time , quickly fixing up the best form of breakfast/lunch , with high hopes that your attempt if not meet gourmet-cooking standards, it turns out palattable and decent to look at ..
Then after a quick stress test to your cardio-exercise abilities ,in the form of a 10 min sprint from home to your bus stop, it does feel like heaven to to board the office bus and the usually violently rocky ride to
office seems like a soothing lullaby , giving you much needed shut-eye, and a chance to bring down the surging adrenaline levels to normal .
And after all this , when you get a few minutes of time to relax & slow down , your mind refuses to take the opportunity to actually R-E-L-A-X, instead ,it tries an over-smart attempt at trying to schedule the rest of your activites doing crazy loops and jumps from one task list to the other in your head , giving you a overwhelming false impression of having too many things to do, when in effect all that needed to be done , was just move about calmly from one little task to another , which definitely doesnt require as much planning as the Annual Parlimentary Budget !
Cut to end
of highlights-the Extraa shots special -
End of the day ,finds you with highly frayed nerves ,and kind of
hungry complaining stomach at having to eat a
not-really-delicious lunch after alllllll that buzz , fighting against
sleepiness turning you into a sour faced man eating dinosaur ,
tired out from efforts to act decently and smile and make small talk
with people (SMALL TALK! Wht
a huuge task on days like this!) ,upset with your less than sub-standard
display of culinary abilities which make you wonder if you have lost
your magic touch with the ladles and gravies, uninspired by your messy ,
mind
numbing attempt at just doing something which is so ordinary to millions
of women ( makes you want to refer to them all as Super women), and
what our super moms made seem like it was all as natural as the sun
rising in
the east-and setting in the west ( have u noticed how they always manage to make our days run like a well lubricated wheel turning round n round with a soft swish ) ..all a veryyyy far cry from the kind of day you have tried to orchestrate ..
And then comes the grand finale- the flood of self pity / self loathe , with that whiplash of demotivating , devastating line of thought , just further adds to your misery and prevents the much needed sleep from letting you peacefully escape the disgrace of the far from perfect day -and there you go , voila! you are set into a vicious little loop- the next day starting with a even grouchier battle with the alarm clock!
Thank the sweet heavens for days called weekends when you can attempt to restore sanity /peace/a sense of everything-is-allright-with my world feeling and that was when I was reflecting on the madness..and I realised , all it took was a little , teeny weeny amount of planning ahead , and setting a little time apart from
lazing and lounging , to make a huuuuge difference from start of the day to finish.
the east-and setting in the west ( have u noticed how they always manage to make our days run like a well lubricated wheel turning round n round with a soft swish ) ..all a veryyyy far cry from the kind of day you have tried to orchestrate ..
And then comes the grand finale- the flood of self pity / self loathe , with that whiplash of demotivating , devastating line of thought , just further adds to your misery and prevents the much needed sleep from letting you peacefully escape the disgrace of the far from perfect day -and there you go , voila! you are set into a vicious little loop- the next day starting with a even grouchier battle with the alarm clock!
Thank the sweet heavens for days called weekends when you can attempt to restore sanity /peace/a sense of everything-is-allright-with my world feeling and that was when I was reflecting on the madness..and I realised , all it took was a little , teeny weeny amount of planning ahead , and setting a little time apart from
lazing and lounging , to make a huuuuge difference from start of the day to finish.
And something as small as waking up 15 mins after your alarm rings, something as small as missing salt in your lunch in your hurry to finish ,something as small as feeling a little wuzzy from maybe a couple of hours less sleep, is enough sometimes to makes you feel incompetent - your world is crashing around you - stressed out that you are feeling so stressed!! - blue that no one else seems to have a bother about how messy/crazy you are feeling makes you badly crave someone you love to wrap you in a warm hug and say Its all right .... everything is fine.!
And thats when I realised ..to me , just like how much of a difference it makes , when these tiny little insignificant things go wrong-
how much of a difference it makes when someone takes a few minutes out of
their day , to let you know they are thinking of you,
how much of a difference it makes when you recieve a tiny lil warm smile from a dear friend ,
how much of a difference it makes when a cool breeze blows through the window, instantly slowing you down and relaxing you ,
how much of a difference it makes when a cool breeze blows through the window, instantly slowing you down and relaxing you ,
how
much of a difference it makes to watch a little stray puppy skipping
along with you, giving you company as you trudge your way home ,
tired/lonely at the end of the day,
how much of difference it makes to simply take a few minutes sittng and staring into nothing ,
how much of difference it makes to simply take a few minutes sittng and staring into nothing ,
how much of a difference it makes to stand in the balcony revelling in the chill of the night at 11, watching the
moon sitting prettily in the night sky ,
how much of a difference it makes to have someone wish you a warm good night and send you off to sleep with a little hint of a smile at the corner of your lips..
Thats why I think ,alll these little ,tiny bits and pieces ,is what makes me (or anyone ) truly happy ,
moon sitting prettily in the night sky ,
how much of a difference it makes to have someone wish you a warm good night and send you off to sleep with a little hint of a smile at the corner of your lips..
Thats why I think ,alll these little ,tiny bits and pieces ,is what makes me (or anyone ) truly happy ,
this is what I couldnt do without , this is what makes my world go round !
Small is after all not soo small....Isn't it ?:)
************************************************
The Glass is Half Full..
http://video.ted.com/talk/podcast/2011S/None/KathrynSchulz_2011S.mp4
Couple of weeks back ,I watched this video on TED.com,a talk by Kathryn Schulz, where she shined the spotlight on this all too familiar emotion we all go through so often ,for varying reasons, with varying intensities- REGRET.
I realised I gained quite a few important insights thanks to the content of the speech and the speaker herself and here I am preserving my insights!
# 1 - Keep it simple : Keeping things simple ,uncomplicated and straight forward, can pack a much bigger punch than high-flying ,jargon dusted speeches .
#2 - Merge with your audience : Most often , when we give a talk on something , we get so involved in playing our roles.We see ourselves as the one standing on a podium opposite a group of people sitting below , waiting to listen to our words of wisdom and knowledge.
Instead of making it seem like , Hi ! this is Ms-know-it-all giving a speech, Kathryn, gave a sense of - Am on the same side as you are , we are all in it together and, I am learning all of this just as you are right now .That definitely maximised her reach with the audience.
I realised I gained quite a few important insights thanks to the content of the speech and the speaker herself and here I am preserving my insights!
# 1 - Keep it simple : Keeping things simple ,uncomplicated and straight forward, can pack a much bigger punch than high-flying ,jargon dusted speeches .
#2 - Merge with your audience : Most often , when we give a talk on something , we get so involved in playing our roles.We see ourselves as the one standing on a podium opposite a group of people sitting below , waiting to listen to our words of wisdom and knowledge.
Instead of making it seem like , Hi ! this is Ms-know-it-all giving a speech, Kathryn, gave a sense of - Am on the same side as you are , we are all in it together and, I am learning all of this just as you are right now .That definitely maximised her reach with the audience.
#3 - No regrets does not mean having a devil-may-care attitude or smiling like a eerie clown through anything and everything,but,just that,we use the emotion(regret) as a tool to move on and reach out to a better you , a better place , a better time.
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